We’re all tax paying citizens of our country and the community we live in. We all want pretty much the same things. The opportunity to work for a living, a chance to raise our 1.86 children (yes, that’s the national average for families with children these days) in a nice neighborhood, with a three and a half bedroom house, complete with homeowners insurance, and an SUV in the driveway. Because, you know, we all absolutely need one to carry all of those kids around.

So most of us scrimp and save until we buy our first house. Or, we apply for government aid programs and buy the house with nothing down. Either way, presumably we move into our new neighborhood, glad to be alive and to finally join the ranks of the American homeowner. And then we meet them. The neighbors. No, not the nice ones across the street who came over to say hi and introduce themselves. The other ones. You know. Those ones.

“Those ones” come in several different varieties, but here are the worst:

1. The neighbor who never cuts his grass. Inevitably, he’ll be next door. Just as inevitably, someone will have managed to cut his grass when you were house shopping. Don’t hold your breath waiting for next time. His grass gets cut once every other month whether it needs it or not.

1. The neighbor who cuts his grass every damned day. And then looks at you as if you were bozo number one who never cuts your grass. Of course, this guy is either retired, or has a wife so annoying that the riding mower is his best friend. Still, grass should be mowed once per week. Twice, tops. Any more than that is crazy. And who wants to live next door to crazy people?

1. The neighbor who asks about your homeowners insurance right after you move in. You learn later that he has a long history of slips and falls.

1. The city inspector. How’d he get in the neighborhood? Well, even if it isn’t literally the city inspector, there’s always a guy who seems to know every arcane city code and ordinance passed since the Civil War (usually this guy looks like he might have lived through the Civil War). And he expects that you should know them, too.

Welcome to the neighborhood. We hope that none of these folks live next door to you. But, we wouldn’t bet the mortgage payment on it.

Photo via Kris Haamer